Digit Allies

No, I'm not on Facebook or Twitter, and from what I've seen of them, they're hideous.

If you didn't think that all of America is gushing "all about me" all over the internet, then you haven't seen any of this. MySpace is the fattest perpetrator, and though it's dying, the other two creatures have apparently picked up the slack. Maybe because the vanity isn't so blatant. ("Coffee maker set to Narcissus".)

I'm talking personal use, here.

I'm not so vain as to to imagine that others would want to hear from me through these two systems. So I save the world in my own tiny way, through the magic of fleeing in the opposite direction.

However...

If I felt I had something genuine worthy to pass along, I'd surely do so. That's what my column is for, for the most part.

But if I had some business angle, or something going on that the crowd would like to get involved with, or something large in my life not appropriate for constant babble in the paper or here, then I'd jump in with three feet, if possible. I do see the worth in that case.

I'm wrestling with the concept of an historical novel about Col. Ebenezer Munroe, who allegedly fired the "shot heard 'round the world". Maybe I can write it so it would be the kind of bodice ripper guys would like? Two different covers; the standard one for girls, and a fire-spitting flintlock on the guy covers.

If I got that going, then, yeah, I'd be a Twit on Facebook, or whatever the process is called.

Until then, you'll have to suffice with the occasional note here, and my columns in the Ticker.

Unless, of course, the call for more involved contact was accompanied by cash. Then I'd jump.

I've never been accused of idiocy.

Snow Mean Feat

Mr. Shawn White should understand something rare and immense about his victory lap run in the recent Olympics.

Shawn, you gave the rest of us snowboarders something cool we can carry around, even if we only just carve the corduroy, as I do.

You call your closing trick the "Tomahawk", and though it sure looks like one and not a man-stuffing steak, the rest of us have a slightly different take on the name.

If you don't mind, we'd like to continue calling it the Double McTwist 1260.

If we use that term, we at least sound as though we know what we're talking about, even if that's all we meat torpedoes have going for ourselves.

Also, that doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Just saying all that in public shows--in some way--that we're willing to execute some lip-cramping skill to pay homage to the first person on any planet to stomp one in public on purpose.

Outside the sport of out-of-control skydiving, I couldn't imagine any other butterfly-in-a-hurricane tumble that would befit such a name.

Go ahead and call it the Tomahawk. It's your baby.

We, however, would like to carry around just a little bit of cool, thanks to you, and calling it the technical term is a modest way to display our companionship and our thanks for cutting one loose.

You have that wonderful gold medal you earned, but we have our own little souvenir of the moment we'd like to carry around for ourselves, if you don't mind.

And, of course, we may have a hint of imagination, somehow picturing ourselves knocking one off, somewhere at altitude, above the edge of a snowy halfpipe.

Where are the hurricanes in winter when we'd like to have one?

I Don't Advertise, But...

http://www.pajamajeans.com

There is only one word for these:

Oohh...

Guest Blog, Sort Of

It's not plagiarism if it's copied with permission, which this is. Also, the column inches in the daily rag are mine alone, so I guard them with near-psychotic jealousy.

Something every writer in every area should nail to the back of their head, lifted from a writer's forum:

"I learned something from my first book that few other authors seem to take to heart, but should: How very important marketing is, for the financial security and survival of all concerned.

The Knucklebook has sold only a few thousand copies, but I've learned a few fun and important things from the experience:

There is a built-in audience--in many cases--for a non-fiction work. Don't count on retiring on it--because it's probably not nearly as big as you think or hope.

If you really enjoy your baby, go talk about it. Arranging a newspaper interview or book signing is brutally simple, fun, and they generally go well. Don't expect your publisher to help, or execute that end well.

Whether the industry is rolling in real cash or staggering towards the next nickel, there are fun and savvy ways to promote your book and keep getting it out to interested eyes. And the way it's changing now, authors who are on the cutting edge of marketing are the ones who will at least enjoy the business, if not out-earn the competition... and maybe do it for a day job. While I won't do Twitter (because it's too much "all about me and my drivel"), and I find Facebook hideous and silly when it comes to genuinely connecting with readers, I do have a website and message board devoted to the subject of my book, as well as a website expressly for the book. On the book's website, I have sample links to three ideas I'm surprised nobody else is working: a free downloadable personalized note, a personalized sound clip, and a personalized video clip. I'm working with my publisher to provide these either to ebook purchasers, or those who find the link on my publisher's website.

Blog? I consider the subject's website a blog of sorts, but the main use of it is a gateway for newbies to learn about the subject, and a message board for anyone to leave their ramblings for all the world. I do have an interesting take on an actual blog, however: the main character of my novel-to-be is a writer, and I think it's amusing--if not a potential breakthrough way to connect with readers if the blog is "authored" by the main character.

Give your book long-term legs in some way. Heck, why not make it commercial? Anything wrong with profit, or potential profit from generating long-term interest in it? I'm currently working with a producer on a documentary on the subject, and I'm a co-writer of a screenplay based quite loosely on the book's subject matter. This may kick up some later sales. Quit thinking of it as work and think of it as cool fun, and you'll go further than the lazy and nervous authors who want to grab the maximum advance, then flee for the hills in terror. J.D. Salinger is quite dead, now, in case you haven't checked the news.

The real money may be in novels. You may not make it, however, if your sweat-and-blood-stained creation is yet another non-seller about vampires, the Sword of Omigod, or a little girl and her fuzzy bunny in 12th century Antarctica."

It's one thing to successfully rein in skittish blog controls, as I have obviously failed to do. It's something else entirely to actively throw effort into spewing in text form just to do so. Any writer who calls themselves one writes for others, and writes so as not to bore, insult, or disrespect. It's a calling and a duty, servitude to the readers, and it should be executed with all intellect applicable. Pleasing others is the essence of marketing. With any kind of luck, skill, or planning, money may follow. If nothing else, it's your best chance. And you'd better always enjoy knocking those words out in a way that you sense will please others.

Bio Update

Q: What's your favorite food?
A: Macaroni a l'Orange Fromage avec Cardboard Box. Not as sophisticated as it sounds; screw it up and it still comes out palatable enough; and after all these years, still less than a buck.

Comedy Is Like Brain Surgery

Irish singer Ronan Tynan has been brutalized in the press for allegedly telling an anti-Semitic joke.

One giant problem I have with the most of the news media (the Ticker Online, excepted, and I make sure of that) is that it generally displays all the funnybone of a random shooting, and this story was neatly trimmed of meaningful information to fill a headline, column-inches, or segment-time.

Note to any of those who haven't heard the following: read it, understand it, then go read my column in the Ticker Online...

Comedy theory states: Comedy is an uplifting surprise in a social context. Dry, I know, and not funny, but understand that and you know not only comedy, but maybe what you need to present to the gullible public before you do any finger-wagging.

Comedy needs a setup. Some kind, so the punch line gets the proper twist. You missed that. That's my teaser. Oh, and in addition: Even knowing that, the joke was a comment that had little to do with being Jewish in particular.

I'll get it all in crisp order so even you can understand it and not mislead your market and look like fuzzbrains, in the very next edition of the Ticker Online.

Let the embarrassment of my fellow journalists begin.

--K.H.

Evening The Score

I'm not a huge fan of teasers, but due to popular request, I'm going to jot down a couple here, with the idea that you'll read my column online or go buy a dead-tree edition. This is teaser #1:

Does anyone have any idea why major league sports have to schedule games so late, that kids are falling asleep in the bleachers and daddies are nodding off driving home after fighting the herd at the end of the game, which is probably around dawn?

There's nothing on this or any other Earth that beats watching on TV. You can catch a few minutes, then shut it off and let your boys win it or lose it without you-- because you have a life, you need your sleep, and you have personal things to tend to in the ayem, such as work or school.

These leagues need to get a message (and it doesn't have anything to do with the screaming wild insane cost to attend a live game, in case you haven't noticed this is the first mention of that teensy little issue.)

Message? We need to send them this: We need to be evening the score.

See my column for the knee-slapping finish. I'll reprint it here, later, if I get some interest.

This is my first-ever teaser. How did I do?

--K.H.